Life through a camera lens

It pains me to say i’ve suffered the loss of [what i at least thought were] some really close friends and am now down to a rare few people who i proudly call genuine friends. People who put as much into the friendship, as they want out of it and people who, like me, do not consider it unnecessary nor too great of a sacrifice to set aside an adequate amount of time to further the relationship with [even by their own definition] “close friends”. Adequate amount of time that is, to allow the friendship to flourish and grow and not because you feel you have to, showcasing what a great friend you are, but because you truly want to, because you truly and genuinely want to get to know the person you bestow this title “close friend” upon, even better. Why else would you even bother? To collect as many so-called “friends” as you possibly can, individuals you only email out of guilt for not having emailed in such a long while? I searched my mind and decided that i have to many of that type of relationships, many which unfortunately used to be something great, something unbelievably positive in my life. Therefor i have decided to focus all my down time on those who share a similar mindset regarding friendships in general and break it off with everyone else, who seem to think an email or two a month (or less), is sufficient enough for two people to get to know one another. As much of a terrific time i’ve had with these people, it’s just to much to bare, to see the friendships turn into a casual “Hello” from time to time. I’d rather not have them in my life period, then to constantly be reminded of good times lost, every time they email just to say “Hi”. I’ve sent my share of late replies, but i always write because i want to and if i feel that i can not keep up with correspondence in a pace worthy of the friendship, then at least i try to be honest enough to make the person aware of the situation.

I’ve sometimes been given the reason, that why someone did not reply for a couple months, was because they were going through some personal matter that took it’s toll emotionally. The thing is, in the kind of friendships i’m looking for, you don’t just disappear and break off comms as soon as things get tough, you turn to your friends. If you’re going to disappear every time something bad happens to you, it won’t be much of a friendship. I’m tired of friendships conceived in cyberspace, being referred to as “online friendships”, counting for less then friendships where the two people met face to face.

I’d wish these people would at least shoot off an email to make you aware of the situation, if not with any specifics then at least with some intent to reach out of sorts. Maybe just to vent or something. It’s what genuine friendships are built out of, the mutual trust and sharing of one self and for that matter, how am i supposed to ever get to know that person if they turn away as soon as the road gets bumpy? I sometimes want my solitude when i face a tough decision or whatnot, but i always recognize the presence of my few close friends as people i can lean up against and vent to, should i feel the need. I don’t shut them out. People handle things differently, sure, but to break off comms for several months? That tells me the honesty and respect in the friendship, isn’t mutual.

These people have nothing to apologize for, but it does seem they and i disagree on what constitutes a friendship. I predict it will be hard to truly ever get to know these people and to be honest, then do not feel it is worth the genuine effort if it’s not going to be mutual and if they’re just going to disappear for months at a time down the road, only to later on email and apologize. 

These past few months have left a bad taste in my mouth regarding friendships and i will no longer actively search for friends out in cyberspace. It’s too much of a heartbreaking experience, letting people in close and sharing very intimate things with them, only to see the friendship turn into next to nothing. My shield is back up and it’ll only be deactivated for the few genuine, close friends i have left. Everyone else, after all of this, will now have a much harder time getting in close to me then before.

With that said, all the heart break and disappointing people i’ve had to wade through to find my rare few genuine friends, have all been worth it. You guys rock and are extremely rare. Be proud of that.